Many changes have taken place in my life since I last blogged. It's hard to keep you updated since my life pretty much changes every single day. Let me start by saying that I recently went to Monolith Music Festival at the Red Rocks Amphitheatre in Morrison, Colorado. It was amazing!! I had the time of my life with 2 close friends of mine, and it was an experience I will never forget.
My future has really been weighing down on me... I'm done with college very soon - May 2010. As a Professional Writing major, I have become more than burnt out on writing for the time being, and it's been looking pretty hopeless for me - that is, a career in writing. At least for now. I don't feel competitive at all, and I have so much trouble finishing writing projects that I begin. So, if nothing else changes from now til May, I plan to work here in Oklahoma over the summer, save money, and move out to Colorado for a job at a ski resort, or something of the like. Many things could change, but I feel I have the freedom now to actually do something like that, especially since I'm single. Oh yes, and that's another thing. Josh and I have been broken up for quite sometime now - maybe almost 2 months, but it was entirely mutual, and there is really no chance of it working. We've been through everything together, and there just comes a time, unlike any other time you fight/break up/whatever that you know it's really over, and this time has finally come. I say finally because after almost 3 years of yes's and no's, love and hate, hardships, distance, making up, trying/not trying, you finally realize that even though you spent so much time getting to know this one person inside and out, it's time to let go, take what you learned and move on. I will always have a place for Josh in my heart, and I wish him the best in the Marine Corps and everything he will do in life, we just aren't compatible, and you can't force something that just isn't there.
Anyhow, I received my first batch of poems to edit the other day for the Windmill magazine position. I'm pretty excited to be workshopping poems again, I just wish I could write my own!! For some reason, the words just won't come. Maybe reading other student's poetry will be inspiring. Sometimes we just need a little inspiration.
I wish I could tell you more juicy tidbits of my life, and you better believe there are some, I just don't think I'm ready to spill the beans, yet.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Monday, August 17, 2009
So, life seems to be getting better. This summer has definitely been one I will never forget as long as I live. With Josh gone the whole time, I really got a chance to figure out who I am... (still figuring it out)... and I experimented with a lot of new things/ideas. I got a lot closer to my girl friends. And believe it or not, a lot closer to Josh. When you are away from someone for so long, you realize how appreciative you should be, how lucky you are, and what really matters in life. I love Josh, and I am willing to work through anything that is thrown our way. Deployment will be hard, but if our love continues to grow, and so do I, I know we will make it through.
He comes home tomorrow for good. I'll be seeing him at his graduation and then riding back to Norman with him... I can't wait!! It's been too long!
Anyway, I'm very happy.
He comes home tomorrow for good. I'll be seeing him at his graduation and then riding back to Norman with him... I can't wait!! It's been too long!
Anyway, I'm very happy.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Nothing.
Life really isn't getting any better or more interesting. I'm not writing anymore. I need to/want to. I want to finish my screenplay, but it's beginning to look hopeless. I don't understand why I'm so lazy! Writers should WANT to write.......right? Here I am, blogging........writing rather...... about not writing. Life is insane. I want to do things. I want to be happy. I guess depression has taken hold and it's going to take a lot to bring me out of it. My pottery class is over. Sad face. I made a total of 8 pots, most of which suck. I can't afford anything. I'm more than bummed because I was planning a trip to Colorado this Saturday to Red Rocks, but now I can't go because a.)no one will go with me and b.) I am broke as hell.
Josh is still in training... when I'm with him I'm happy. I miss him soooo much. I have a slight feeling he will be proposing soon, but I know he won't until he thinks I'm ready... yeah...
I'm going to write more tomorrow.
Josh is still in training... when I'm with him I'm happy. I miss him soooo much. I have a slight feeling he will be proposing soon, but I know he won't until he thinks I'm ready... yeah...
I'm going to write more tomorrow.
Monday, July 13, 2009
A Choice
It seems that life has decided to throw me a challenge that has no possible route of happiness. I am ambivalent. Let me explain.
I have a boyfriend. We have been dating for 2 years and 3 months. Of course we've had our ups and downs, major falls and minor lifts, but we are in love. Love has allowed us to endure every setback and situation that could have torn us apart. Romantic? Not really. Just love. I put up with a lot for the first year and a half of our relationship. I would love to go into detail, but it would take forever. He has never been unfaithful, so please don't think it has anything to do with that, he just needed to grow up and be the smart man I knew he could. The only way he saw out of the massive hole he dug for himself was to join the Marine Corps. That decision changed both of our lives. I always felt like he needed to do it for himself, although I also know that we probably wouldn't have stayed together had he not joined - we were headed for disaster and the Marines was our last hope. I have always supported Josh and been there for him, so I knew this is what he needed to do, and.... he left me. We were not able to talk on the phone or see each other for 3 and a half months. We could write letters, which kept me sane, but after 2 months of lonliness, something happened to me. I snapped. I know I've always blamed him for our relationship's turmoil, and probably rightly so, but I just couldn't handle this life that I felt like was chosen for me. He is dedicated to the Marines for 6 years. I have seen my boyfriend a total of 13 days since February 17th. But let me back up... after those 2 months, I sent him a letter to explain that I was breaking up with him. I just felt like he had never really offered me what I needed in order to stay with him, although I was/am in love with him, I chose to forget about him. He was devastated. Instead of living my own life and being a better person, I chose the dark side. I sank. I got involved in a life I had never experienced, but deep down had always wanted to. I partied, started dating a new guy, hung out with my friends 24/7 and blocked Josh from every good memory I had of us. I had no idea what would happen on his boot leave, when he would return home for 10 days. I decided to see him, though.
From the moment I saw him standing there, a rush of emotion came over me that was entirely unexpected, and I melted. I hugged him and my heartbeat raced while chills blanketed my body. He let go of me, and there I was, all to blame for hurting him the way I did... leaving him.
Long story short, he gave me a second chance. I didn't have to tell him how I had changed, he already knew. I also knew that he had changed for the better and he had finally become all that I had ever wanted him to be, only now it was as if our roles were reversed. I was him and he was me 5 months ago. Karma? I hope not.
Josh is still away right now at Ft. Sill for Artillary training. He will be home August 18th, and we are allowed to talk during a 3 hour period once a day, and on weekends, I am allowed visitation to the base, and base only. Obviously I can't go every weekend, but it's working out. My ambivalence comes from wanting to keep Josh and make our love work - through at least 1 deployment, maybe more, where he will be gone for 10 months, maybe more, and having to deal with the military lifestyle for 6 years.... OR choosing freedom. I still have the urge to be who I was when he was gone. I wasn't happy though. But I'm not happy now when I'm with him. It's just so hard to decide because I feel like my chance is over to experience/experiment life beyond the universe, go to festivals, be my hippie self that he doesn't approve of anymore. I have to give it all up for him, but I can't help but feel he had the chance to be young and stupid while I was busy being the adult and trying to help him.... and now it's just the opposite, although he won't stay with me like I stayed with him. I hope I'm making sense. It's hard to explain without disclosing certain private details, but I'm doing my best.
I avoid the future, he thrives on it.
I avoid society, he flourishes in it.
I like complicated, he likes simple.
I'm free-spirited, he's over it.
I am broke, he makes money.
I could go on... but I won't. I'm sure everyone who has ever been in love has felt a pressure of this sort at some point in their lives... mostly before marraige I'm assuming. But sometimes, the sacrifices we make for another person... for Love... can cause pain. Or maybe it's just a haunting dream of what could have been. Either way, my life has come to a crossroads and I have to choose/decide what is more important to me. I will never be young again, but Josh might not stick around and I might never have true love again.
I have a boyfriend. We have been dating for 2 years and 3 months. Of course we've had our ups and downs, major falls and minor lifts, but we are in love. Love has allowed us to endure every setback and situation that could have torn us apart. Romantic? Not really. Just love. I put up with a lot for the first year and a half of our relationship. I would love to go into detail, but it would take forever. He has never been unfaithful, so please don't think it has anything to do with that, he just needed to grow up and be the smart man I knew he could. The only way he saw out of the massive hole he dug for himself was to join the Marine Corps. That decision changed both of our lives. I always felt like he needed to do it for himself, although I also know that we probably wouldn't have stayed together had he not joined - we were headed for disaster and the Marines was our last hope. I have always supported Josh and been there for him, so I knew this is what he needed to do, and.... he left me. We were not able to talk on the phone or see each other for 3 and a half months. We could write letters, which kept me sane, but after 2 months of lonliness, something happened to me. I snapped. I know I've always blamed him for our relationship's turmoil, and probably rightly so, but I just couldn't handle this life that I felt like was chosen for me. He is dedicated to the Marines for 6 years. I have seen my boyfriend a total of 13 days since February 17th. But let me back up... after those 2 months, I sent him a letter to explain that I was breaking up with him. I just felt like he had never really offered me what I needed in order to stay with him, although I was/am in love with him, I chose to forget about him. He was devastated. Instead of living my own life and being a better person, I chose the dark side. I sank. I got involved in a life I had never experienced, but deep down had always wanted to. I partied, started dating a new guy, hung out with my friends 24/7 and blocked Josh from every good memory I had of us. I had no idea what would happen on his boot leave, when he would return home for 10 days. I decided to see him, though.
From the moment I saw him standing there, a rush of emotion came over me that was entirely unexpected, and I melted. I hugged him and my heartbeat raced while chills blanketed my body. He let go of me, and there I was, all to blame for hurting him the way I did... leaving him.
Long story short, he gave me a second chance. I didn't have to tell him how I had changed, he already knew. I also knew that he had changed for the better and he had finally become all that I had ever wanted him to be, only now it was as if our roles were reversed. I was him and he was me 5 months ago. Karma? I hope not.
Josh is still away right now at Ft. Sill for Artillary training. He will be home August 18th, and we are allowed to talk during a 3 hour period once a day, and on weekends, I am allowed visitation to the base, and base only. Obviously I can't go every weekend, but it's working out. My ambivalence comes from wanting to keep Josh and make our love work - through at least 1 deployment, maybe more, where he will be gone for 10 months, maybe more, and having to deal with the military lifestyle for 6 years.... OR choosing freedom. I still have the urge to be who I was when he was gone. I wasn't happy though. But I'm not happy now when I'm with him. It's just so hard to decide because I feel like my chance is over to experience/experiment life beyond the universe, go to festivals, be my hippie self that he doesn't approve of anymore. I have to give it all up for him, but I can't help but feel he had the chance to be young and stupid while I was busy being the adult and trying to help him.... and now it's just the opposite, although he won't stay with me like I stayed with him. I hope I'm making sense. It's hard to explain without disclosing certain private details, but I'm doing my best.
I avoid the future, he thrives on it.
I avoid society, he flourishes in it.
I like complicated, he likes simple.
I'm free-spirited, he's over it.
I am broke, he makes money.
I could go on... but I won't. I'm sure everyone who has ever been in love has felt a pressure of this sort at some point in their lives... mostly before marraige I'm assuming. But sometimes, the sacrifices we make for another person... for Love... can cause pain. Or maybe it's just a haunting dream of what could have been. Either way, my life has come to a crossroads and I have to choose/decide what is more important to me. I will never be young again, but Josh might not stick around and I might never have true love again.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
So, I know I haven't blogged in awhile, but it's about time that I start back up again. My life has been pretty crazy. I just landed an internship with Skyline Media! I'm really excited about it and hope to learn a lot. I'm still working for Your HR Resource as well. I also got a little side job editing novels! I have 3 lined up so far, so that's really exciting and should give me a lot of experience and open some doors.
I recently was in the Young Profits Poetry Reading. Here's the link: http://gaylord.ou.edu/poetscorner/test/moxley.html
Take a look!
Something else that's new/fun -- I'm the Secretary for the English Honor Society, which is cool becaue I've never held a position before.
Josh and I are doing great. He's at MCT (Marine Combat Training) in California right now. He'll be back in 2 and a half weeks, but straight to Lawton at Ft. Sill for job training. It's been crazy, but we're getting through it, and we can at least talk on the weekends now! I miss him a lot and can't wait to see him again. Other than that, life is good. I just finished my intersession class, "What is Poetry?" which was really interesting, and now I only need 19 more hours til I'm done with college! I think I'm going to take a year off of school after graduation, work on a poetry port folio, and apply to grad school for an MFA program. Who knows what will happen, but I just want to make sure I'm prepared and don't waste money on applying when I don't feel prepared for an extensive program like that. I'm going to be studying a lot more poetry in the year to come.
As for this weekend, I'll be soaking up the sun at Wakarusa, listening to great music with good friends! Yay!
I recently was in the Young Profits Poetry Reading. Here's the link: http://gaylord.ou.edu/poetscorner/test/moxley.html
Take a look!
Something else that's new/fun -- I'm the Secretary for the English Honor Society, which is cool becaue I've never held a position before.
Josh and I are doing great. He's at MCT (Marine Combat Training) in California right now. He'll be back in 2 and a half weeks, but straight to Lawton at Ft. Sill for job training. It's been crazy, but we're getting through it, and we can at least talk on the weekends now! I miss him a lot and can't wait to see him again. Other than that, life is good. I just finished my intersession class, "What is Poetry?" which was really interesting, and now I only need 19 more hours til I'm done with college! I think I'm going to take a year off of school after graduation, work on a poetry port folio, and apply to grad school for an MFA program. Who knows what will happen, but I just want to make sure I'm prepared and don't waste money on applying when I don't feel prepared for an extensive program like that. I'm going to be studying a lot more poetry in the year to come.
As for this weekend, I'll be soaking up the sun at Wakarusa, listening to great music with good friends! Yay!
Monday, January 26, 2009
new chapter
Well.... this semester has it in for me.
on top of writing a screenplay, revising my novel, writing lovely poetry, and turning in 100 pages of writing for my capstone class, i have been offered to write fiction for MONEY. yes, that's right. i'm actually going to get paid to write stories for a local magazine. i'm really excited about it, and i hope it's not too good to be true. i'll keep the blogging world updated.
in other news, my boyfriend, josh, is joining the marines corps. he leaves for boot camp on february 17th (4 days before my 21st birthday) and i won't see him for 3 1/2 months. he will do combat traning for 5 weeks and then job training for 10 weeks after that, and i'll get to see him on the weekends. but til august, it's going to be really rough.
it was all very last minute... and he's joining the reserves, so he'll be able to finish school in the fall. i have no idea what we're going to do after that... this will definitely be a trying time and probably make or break our relationship.....which has already been easily broken before. i'm hoping for the best and trying to believe that this will only bring positive fortune. as for this semester - we will write letters and my writing will keep me distracted. i will miss him though.
on top of writing a screenplay, revising my novel, writing lovely poetry, and turning in 100 pages of writing for my capstone class, i have been offered to write fiction for MONEY. yes, that's right. i'm actually going to get paid to write stories for a local magazine. i'm really excited about it, and i hope it's not too good to be true. i'll keep the blogging world updated.
in other news, my boyfriend, josh, is joining the marines corps. he leaves for boot camp on february 17th (4 days before my 21st birthday) and i won't see him for 3 1/2 months. he will do combat traning for 5 weeks and then job training for 10 weeks after that, and i'll get to see him on the weekends. but til august, it's going to be really rough.
it was all very last minute... and he's joining the reserves, so he'll be able to finish school in the fall. i have no idea what we're going to do after that... this will definitely be a trying time and probably make or break our relationship.....which has already been easily broken before. i'm hoping for the best and trying to believe that this will only bring positive fortune. as for this semester - we will write letters and my writing will keep me distracted. i will miss him though.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
inspired.
i'm so excited because i have an idea for my screenplay. it came to me yesterday as i was visiting with one of my friends over dinner. i just love when ideas come to me instead of the whole brainstorming technique. it makes me feel like i'm meant to be here... i'm meant to write... and i can't wait to start getting it down on paper. i can't say the idea because i don't want anyone to steal it!!
i realize my blog is very depressing at times, but i've stopped journaling, so it all comes out in my blog. my mood today is pretty much the same as it has been every day. i don't feel down in the dumps, but rather... expectant. i'm not sure what's around the corner, but whatever it is, i'm anticipating it too much. see, so many times, people wait for something great to happen to them instead of moving forward and making it happen themselves. "be the change you want to see in the world" to quote ghandi... but it is so true. so that's my plan of action. instead of anticipating and expecting what's next, i'm just going to change. i have thought long and hard (as you see in previous posts) about what it is i need to do to change/be happ(ier) and it's time i just do the damn shit instead of standing outside the flames. if you want a fire, you have to build one.
i guess what i'm saying is that now i've watched the 4th season of grey's anatomy on dvd in 2 days, it's time to turn off the tv and read, craft, finish things that i started, and get to gettin'.
i don't think i'm going to write much for the next two weeks since it will become my life again, soon enough. i'll blog and jot down ideas, but intense writing will have to take a backseat for awhile so i can sort through my emotions and get over my internal baggage i've been carrying around since november. i'm not saying i'll completely get over it - that won't happen for a long time, but i will definitely guide the focus back to myself for a change.
i've decided to take 3 writing classes next semester. i'll definitely be busy with my writing again, plus working. 17 hours of school, 17 hours of work each week.
i'll be taking:
film script writing
tutorial in writing (where i'll meet with mel and discuss various writing projects every week)
adv. poetry writing
theories in professional writing
and........GEOLOGY! dun dun dun.
anyway,
i don't really like that it gets dark at 5:30 during winter because then i feel like i've lost time of day or something. i will try to disregard this feeling....annnnd. that's my post for today. love!
i realize my blog is very depressing at times, but i've stopped journaling, so it all comes out in my blog. my mood today is pretty much the same as it has been every day. i don't feel down in the dumps, but rather... expectant. i'm not sure what's around the corner, but whatever it is, i'm anticipating it too much. see, so many times, people wait for something great to happen to them instead of moving forward and making it happen themselves. "be the change you want to see in the world" to quote ghandi... but it is so true. so that's my plan of action. instead of anticipating and expecting what's next, i'm just going to change. i have thought long and hard (as you see in previous posts) about what it is i need to do to change/be happ(ier) and it's time i just do the damn shit instead of standing outside the flames. if you want a fire, you have to build one.
i guess what i'm saying is that now i've watched the 4th season of grey's anatomy on dvd in 2 days, it's time to turn off the tv and read, craft, finish things that i started, and get to gettin'.
i don't think i'm going to write much for the next two weeks since it will become my life again, soon enough. i'll blog and jot down ideas, but intense writing will have to take a backseat for awhile so i can sort through my emotions and get over my internal baggage i've been carrying around since november. i'm not saying i'll completely get over it - that won't happen for a long time, but i will definitely guide the focus back to myself for a change.
i've decided to take 3 writing classes next semester. i'll definitely be busy with my writing again, plus working. 17 hours of school, 17 hours of work each week.
i'll be taking:
film script writing
tutorial in writing (where i'll meet with mel and discuss various writing projects every week)
adv. poetry writing
theories in professional writing
and........GEOLOGY! dun dun dun.
anyway,
i don't really like that it gets dark at 5:30 during winter because then i feel like i've lost time of day or something. i will try to disregard this feeling....annnnd. that's my post for today. love!
Monday, January 5, 2009
ahhhhhh
sometimes, i feel so worthless at work. i'm the only employee, but i feel like i don't have enough things to do. it makes me feel bad. i don't know if my boss (aka my mom - which makes this all the more complicated) trusts that i can handle more tasks? i know she doesn't want to do it all by herself. ugh.
in other news: i haven't changed my oil in an entire year. maybe that's a new record. i really need to get that done. i find that i become more and more lazy as the ruthless conundrum(s) of life pass me by.
i'm trying to save up $750 for a trip to australia in june. my parents have agreed to lend me the rest.
in other news: i haven't changed my oil in an entire year. maybe that's a new record. i really need to get that done. i find that i become more and more lazy as the ruthless conundrum(s) of life pass me by.
i'm trying to save up $750 for a trip to australia in june. my parents have agreed to lend me the rest.
i feel stuck.
don't know how many saturdays i spend in bed, only to get a shower at 7 pm and go out at night to drink my sorrows away. how cliche. i'm a walking cliche. all the time.
i feel barely alive.
it might be the break up. i don't know. i watch movies like The Women to acquire inspiration so that i can do something with my life instead of just going ahead and doing it. blah.
i feel unmotivated.
mediocrity is bliss. so many things i want to do.... play basketball again, cook dinner, sew my own clothes, modpodge everything. but......................................................i don't. why? b/c i'm in a blithering state of skidish, untouched, tainted and torn misery with only the faintest ideas and dreams to awaken me. i wear a mask, but keep myself drowned with anguish and self loathing so i can be content with wallowing.
i feel like a failure.
i hate the novel i wrote. to be honest... hate isn't a strong enough word. why are so many people asking to read it? i just want to delete the whole thing and never look at it again. now that... that would take courage. i don't see how i'm going to write my screenplay next semester with such a shitty novel under my detached belt buckle. oh yes oh yes, i need to revise... but who wants to revise a piece of crap? maybe this is why i won't make it as an editor. OH, the negativity!! it's so lovely.
i feel like a mystery to myself.
god doesn't even know who i am. so many different directions are being thrown at my face on a day to day basis. morgen, do this, morgen, do that... when all i feel like doing is just simply being. the idea of a "self" is forever altered after taking my asian philosophy class... so therefore, i have no idea who "i" am, who i want to be, or who i will become. la la la. tra da da.
scurry along little thoughts of negativity and mediocrity.
please leave now.
ok, but seriously.
leave.
ugh.
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