new chapter

Well.... this semester has it in for me.

on top of writing a screenplay, revising my novel, writing lovely poetry, and turning in 100 pages of writing for my capstone class, i have been offered to write fiction for MONEY. yes, that's right. i'm actually going to get paid to write stories for a local magazine. i'm really excited about it, and i hope it's not too good to be true. i'll keep the blogging world updated.



in other news, my boyfriend, josh, is joining the marines corps. he leaves for boot camp on february 17th (4 days before my 21st birthday) and i won't see him for 3 1/2 months. he will do combat traning for 5 weeks and then job training for 10 weeks after that, and i'll get to see him on the weekends. but til august, it's going to be really rough.


it was all very last minute... and he's joining the reserves, so he'll be able to finish school in the fall. i have no idea what we're going to do after that... this will definitely be a trying time and probably make or break our relationship.....which has already been easily broken before. i'm hoping for the best and trying to believe that this will only bring positive fortune. as for this semester - we will write letters and my writing will keep me distracted. i will miss him though.

God.

He works in mysterious ways.
He has a plan.

I believe.

inspired.

i'm so excited because i have an idea for my screenplay. it came to me yesterday as i was visiting with one of my friends over dinner. i just love when ideas come to me instead of the whole brainstorming technique. it makes me feel like i'm meant to be here... i'm meant to write... and i can't wait to start getting it down on paper. i can't say the idea because i don't want anyone to steal it!!

i realize my blog is very depressing at times, but i've stopped journaling, so it all comes out in my blog. my mood today is pretty much the same as it has been every day. i don't feel down in the dumps, but rather... expectant. i'm not sure what's around the corner, but whatever it is, i'm anticipating it too much. see, so many times, people wait for something great to happen to them instead of moving forward and making it happen themselves. "be the change you want to see in the world" to quote ghandi... but it is so true. so that's my plan of action. instead of anticipating and expecting what's next, i'm just going to change. i have thought long and hard (as you see in previous posts) about what it is i need to do to change/be happ(ier) and it's time i just do the damn shit instead of standing outside the flames. if you want a fire, you have to build one.

i guess what i'm saying is that now i've watched the 4th season of grey's anatomy on dvd in 2 days, it's time to turn off the tv and read, craft, finish things that i started, and get to gettin'.

i don't think i'm going to write much for the next two weeks since it will become my life again, soon enough. i'll blog and jot down ideas, but intense writing will have to take a backseat for awhile so i can sort through my emotions and get over my internal baggage i've been carrying around since november. i'm not saying i'll completely get over it - that won't happen for a long time, but i will definitely guide the focus back to myself for a change.

i've decided to take 3 writing classes next semester. i'll definitely be busy with my writing again, plus working. 17 hours of school, 17 hours of work each week.

i'll be taking:
film script writing
tutorial in writing (where i'll meet with mel and discuss various writing projects every week)
adv. poetry writing
theories in professional writing
and........GEOLOGY! dun dun dun.

anyway,
i don't really like that it gets dark at 5:30 during winter because then i feel like i've lost time of day or something. i will try to disregard this feeling....annnnd. that's my post for today. love!

ahhhhhh

sometimes, i feel so worthless at work. i'm the only employee, but i feel like i don't have enough things to do. it makes me feel bad. i don't know if my boss (aka my mom - which makes this all the more complicated) trusts that i can handle more tasks? i know she doesn't want to do it all by herself. ugh.

in other news: i haven't changed my oil in an entire year. maybe that's a new record. i really need to get that done. i find that i become more and more lazy as the ruthless conundrum(s) of life pass me by.

i'm trying to save up $750 for a trip to australia in june. my parents have agreed to lend me the rest.

i feel stuck.
don't know how many saturdays i spend in bed, only to get a shower at 7 pm and go out at night to drink my sorrows away. how cliche. i'm a walking cliche. all the time.

i feel barely alive.
it might be the break up. i don't know. i watch movies like The Women to acquire inspiration so that i can do something with my life instead of just going ahead and doing it. blah.

i feel unmotivated.
mediocrity is bliss. so many things i want to do.... play basketball again, cook dinner, sew my own clothes, modpodge everything. but......................................................i don't. why? b/c i'm in a blithering state of skidish, untouched, tainted and torn misery with only the faintest ideas and dreams to awaken me. i wear a mask, but keep myself drowned with anguish and self loathing so i can be content with wallowing.

i feel like a failure.
i hate the novel i wrote. to be honest... hate isn't a strong enough word. why are so many people asking to read it? i just want to delete the whole thing and never look at it again. now that... that would take courage. i don't see how i'm going to write my screenplay next semester with such a shitty novel under my detached belt buckle. oh yes oh yes, i need to revise... but who wants to revise a piece of crap? maybe this is why i won't make it as an editor. OH, the negativity!! it's so lovely.

i feel like a mystery to myself.
god doesn't even know who i am. so many different directions are being thrown at my face on a day to day basis. morgen, do this, morgen, do that... when all i feel like doing is just simply being. the idea of a "self" is forever altered after taking my asian philosophy class... so therefore, i have no idea who "i" am, who i want to be, or who i will become. la la la. tra da da.

scurry along little thoughts of negativity and mediocrity.
please leave now.

ok, but seriously.
leave.

ugh.

can you see me?

through the looking glass

it's a comin

the thunder that is in the distance... barely lighting up the sky, singing the lively song of rage... its a comin for you.

oh, how twisted everything is right now. so so so wrong. i can't tell where the day begins and the misery ends anymore. it's completely... just...

why do people look at themselves when they cry?

there's still an empty space, a hole, a faded memory of something that's missing. trying to fill that hole with anything else, everything else, gets exhausting. it becomes the focus of every day and the purpose of trying new things. it becomes annoying. but, it's what everyone suggests, it's what i suggest to myself. it's a learning experience, they say. be selfish again, time heals everything, they say. pick yourself up, stop watching tv, don't drink vodka soda's, i say.

this is not the fucking movies.

Where is the Love?

It doesn't make sense.

How can two people share so much together, fly together, dream together.... then let it die. Where is the love? The love that could once save you. It could carry you. It could make the impossible possible. It could inspire you, make you jump, make you smile, make you laugh.
How can love that was once so strong just fade and get tossed in the wind like an unwanted plastic bag?
Is it the love that hurts you now? Or the emptiness...
Can love turn into hate? Even that would make sense b/c in order to hate someone you must genuinely know them first. But what about indifference? Loss of joy? Was it ever love at all?

Breakdowns are Beautiful.

Tears are rainbows.

Pain is a window to the soul.

Death is a new beginning.

I don't know how to answer these questions. But you who love deeply, hurt deeply. You who can feel emotion, don't change. You allow yourself to experience the world's deepest secrets. It hurts. But don't be afraid. There is always tomorrow.

When in Doubt, MAKE GOALS.

Ok, my life is moving in fast forward mode... blowing right past me... and i'm kind of just stuck here as the observer. an observer of MY OWN LIFE. i have half of my novel to write - 25,000 words - and only a month to do it in. how is that possible? oh yes oh yes i know... b/c i'm spending and wasting time blogging instead of writing my novel. why have i become so lazy? i need to SNAP out of it b/c it's beginning to drive me nuts! i want to be a writer, i want to be artsy and lovely and write poetry and find the beauty in a trash can or a bum on the sofa, but how can i do that when i AM the bum on the sofa? this is not what i'm supposed to be doing... i have big dreams, but i'm living a life of someone with no ambition... ugh. it's sickening!

so when this happens, it's time to start making GOALS again! YES, OH YES... goals! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..... ohhhh how i LOVE making goals. okay, so let's start this whole goal making thing.

first goal: smile. SMILE, and the world smiles with you............................or shits on your cheerios. (a quote my boyfriend shared with me.) World, i don't care if you choose to shit on my cheerios, i'm going to keep on smiling and eventually i'll be laughing in your face. i dare you to challenge me, World, i double dog dare you.

second goal: blog. i love blogging, but i hardly ever do it! with blogging comes readers, with readers comes interest, with interest comes potential, and with potential... well, who knows. everything has potential, even a bum on the sofa.

thrid goal: finish novel. this is very important. in order to do this, i must write AT LEAST 1,000 words a day.. starting today. that will give me 24,000 more words and i will finish my novel by December 10th... which is the due date. 1,000 WORDS A DAY IS NOT HARD! i can do it i can do it i can do it. (self talk). i know that by finishing this novel, i will be starting a new chapter in my life. i will have written a novel! granted, it will be the worst novel i will ever write, i'm sure (i hope!), it will only prove to MYSELF that i can write a novel. and i can do it in a 4 month period. how fascinating. wouldn't you love to say you've written a novel? who cares if it gets published. just finishing the thing is an accomplishment in and of itself. when my novel is written, should i publish it on my blog? perhaps my wordpress blog?

fourth goal: do not watch TV unless it is a new episode of The Hills. no exceptions. NONE!

fifth goal: poetry. when i'm not working on my novel or other homework, i will write poetry. it is something that i've strayed away from, and i have no idea why. i am so much happier when i'm writing poetry. it is a release... a time when it's just me and the page, and i can be free and express whatever's boiling under the surface. plus, if i'm writing poetry, i'll have more to post on my blog.

sixth goal: love. because of the hopeless romantic that i am... i will have my sixth and final goal to be to love. i will love myself, i will love others, i will love (and hate) my novel, i will love the air, the earth, the trees, each step that i take when i'm walking down College or Elm. i will love God. i will love the world, even when it shits on my cheerios. i will not love my sofa.

okay, so now that i've reached the root of the problem, written my solution, i.e. GOALS, and shared it with the entire blogging community, i will attempt... no no no no no... i will EXECUTE my plan and succeed. when in doubt, make goals.

Fellow Writers...

I want you all to know that I've started a new blog at Wordpress. It's in the works, so be patient. It does have a lot of potential. missmorgen.wordpress.com. I'll keep you updated.

Something I want to share to all my fellow writers: You all know that you're supposed to know your characters inside and out. Down to every last detail... and I don't mean just what they look like, but bits and pieces of their personality that no one else would know about... not even the reader. I've always heard this, but it's only recently in writing my screenplay that I realized how important it actually is. Always include and know your characters' weakness(es). The famous and classic example is of Superman and his weakness of kryptonite. There should always be a way to defeat your character. Give them something they can overcome. A fear. What is your character afraid of? This should almost be the first question you ask yourself as a writer.

If you are just starting out on a story, but don't know where to begin... you can always ask yourself the classic question of "What makes this particular day different from all the rest?" Another question you might consider, if you decide to go in a different direction would be "What makes this day just like any other day?" and go from there.

None of this was exactly sticking with me until I watched a movie. Yes, a movie. The movie is called Fresh (1994) and was written and directed by Boaz Yakin. I definitely recommend this movie to everyone. One thing I really enjoyed about the movie was the central metaphor that played throughout the film between Michael's life and the game of Chess. It seemed brilliant. If you watch the movie, watch it again. If you have a chance, watch the director's cut as well and listen to what Yakin has to say.

Anyway, that's my rant for the day. Thanks for reading.

Not just "getting by" anymore.

So... I wish my blog was interesting...

(I wish my life was interesting.)

All along, I thought I had $130 dollars in my poor little checking account... when SUDDENLY I realized I made a subraction error in my register, and I really only have $30. Funny shit. Hilarious. Somehow that $30 has to last me until my next paycheck, which is October 15th... which is 5 days away... and I have NO GAS in my car at the moment. Literally none. How am I going to buy food? Perhaps I'll live off the soup I have sitting in my cabinet. YES! I L-O-V-E you, Life!

(Hence the quote: "We laugh because it is forbidden to cry.")


Even though I spend my days in doors, writing my novel, other homework, working, and getting no sleep at all... I really do enjoy the fact that I DO have a good life, especially compared to some. I've overcome a lot.

I think I have a problem though, at times, at always looking on the 'dark side' [rather than the 'bright side' that is] because I'm lonely. I feel lonely more often than not. In spite of my loneliness, I also feel content, because I've changed. It's nice to feel internally happy with yourself... it's nice to know that I'm not so dependent on others or alcohol or cigarettes anymore. It's a tough time, but at least I've got it together.