through the looking glassTuesday, December 30, 2008
it's a comin
the thunder that is in the distance... barely lighting up the sky, singing the lively song of rage... its a comin for you.
oh, how twisted everything is right now. so so so wrong. i can't tell where the day begins and the misery ends anymore. it's completely... just...
why do people look at themselves when they cry?
there's still an empty space, a hole, a faded memory of something that's missing. trying to fill that hole with anything else, everything else, gets exhausting. it becomes the focus of every day and the purpose of trying new things. it becomes annoying. but, it's what everyone suggests, it's what i suggest to myself. it's a learning experience, they say. be selfish again, time heals everything, they say. pick yourself up, stop watching tv, don't drink vodka soda's, i say.
this is not the fucking movies.
oh, how twisted everything is right now. so so so wrong. i can't tell where the day begins and the misery ends anymore. it's completely... just...
why do people look at themselves when they cry?
there's still an empty space, a hole, a faded memory of something that's missing. trying to fill that hole with anything else, everything else, gets exhausting. it becomes the focus of every day and the purpose of trying new things. it becomes annoying. but, it's what everyone suggests, it's what i suggest to myself. it's a learning experience, they say. be selfish again, time heals everything, they say. pick yourself up, stop watching tv, don't drink vodka soda's, i say.
this is not the fucking movies.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Where is the Love?
It doesn't make sense.
How can two people share so much together, fly together, dream together.... then let it die. Where is the love? The love that could once save you. It could carry you. It could make the impossible possible. It could inspire you, make you jump, make you smile, make you laugh.
How can love that was once so strong just fade and get tossed in the wind like an unwanted plastic bag?
Is it the love that hurts you now? Or the emptiness...
Can love turn into hate? Even that would make sense b/c in order to hate someone you must genuinely know them first. But what about indifference? Loss of joy? Was it ever love at all?
Breakdowns are Beautiful.
Tears are rainbows.
Pain is a window to the soul.
Death is a new beginning.
I don't know how to answer these questions. But you who love deeply, hurt deeply. You who can feel emotion, don't change. You allow yourself to experience the world's deepest secrets. It hurts. But don't be afraid. There is always tomorrow.
How can two people share so much together, fly together, dream together.... then let it die. Where is the love? The love that could once save you. It could carry you. It could make the impossible possible. It could inspire you, make you jump, make you smile, make you laugh.
How can love that was once so strong just fade and get tossed in the wind like an unwanted plastic bag?
Is it the love that hurts you now? Or the emptiness...
Can love turn into hate? Even that would make sense b/c in order to hate someone you must genuinely know them first. But what about indifference? Loss of joy? Was it ever love at all?
Breakdowns are Beautiful.
Tears are rainbows.
Pain is a window to the soul.
Death is a new beginning.
I don't know how to answer these questions. But you who love deeply, hurt deeply. You who can feel emotion, don't change. You allow yourself to experience the world's deepest secrets. It hurts. But don't be afraid. There is always tomorrow.
Monday, November 17, 2008
When in Doubt, MAKE GOALS.
Ok, my life is moving in fast forward mode... blowing right past me... and i'm kind of just stuck here as the observer. an observer of MY OWN LIFE. i have half of my novel to write - 25,000 words - and only a month to do it in. how is that possible? oh yes oh yes i know... b/c i'm spending and wasting time blogging instead of writing my novel. why have i become so lazy? i need to SNAP out of it b/c it's beginning to drive me nuts! i want to be a writer, i want to be artsy and lovely and write poetry and find the beauty in a trash can or a bum on the sofa, but how can i do that when i AM the bum on the sofa? this is not what i'm supposed to be doing... i have big dreams, but i'm living a life of someone with no ambition... ugh. it's sickening!
so when this happens, it's time to start making GOALS again! YES, OH YES... goals! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..... ohhhh how i LOVE making goals. okay, so let's start this whole goal making thing.
first goal: smile. SMILE, and the world smiles with you............................or shits on your cheerios. (a quote my boyfriend shared with me.) World, i don't care if you choose to shit on my cheerios, i'm going to keep on smiling and eventually i'll be laughing in your face. i dare you to challenge me, World, i double dog dare you.
second goal: blog. i love blogging, but i hardly ever do it! with blogging comes readers, with readers comes interest, with interest comes potential, and with potential... well, who knows. everything has potential, even a bum on the sofa.
thrid goal: finish novel. this is very important. in order to do this, i must write AT LEAST 1,000 words a day.. starting today. that will give me 24,000 more words and i will finish my novel by December 10th... which is the due date. 1,000 WORDS A DAY IS NOT HARD! i can do it i can do it i can do it. (self talk). i know that by finishing this novel, i will be starting a new chapter in my life. i will have written a novel! granted, it will be the worst novel i will ever write, i'm sure (i hope!), it will only prove to MYSELF that i can write a novel. and i can do it in a 4 month period. how fascinating. wouldn't you love to say you've written a novel? who cares if it gets published. just finishing the thing is an accomplishment in and of itself. when my novel is written, should i publish it on my blog? perhaps my wordpress blog?
fourth goal: do not watch TV unless it is a new episode of The Hills. no exceptions. NONE!
fifth goal: poetry. when i'm not working on my novel or other homework, i will write poetry. it is something that i've strayed away from, and i have no idea why. i am so much happier when i'm writing poetry. it is a release... a time when it's just me and the page, and i can be free and express whatever's boiling under the surface. plus, if i'm writing poetry, i'll have more to post on my blog.
sixth goal: love. because of the hopeless romantic that i am... i will have my sixth and final goal to be to love. i will love myself, i will love others, i will love (and hate) my novel, i will love the air, the earth, the trees, each step that i take when i'm walking down College or Elm. i will love God. i will love the world, even when it shits on my cheerios. i will not love my sofa.
okay, so now that i've reached the root of the problem, written my solution, i.e. GOALS, and shared it with the entire blogging community, i will attempt... no no no no no... i will EXECUTE my plan and succeed. when in doubt, make goals.
so when this happens, it's time to start making GOALS again! YES, OH YES... goals! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..... ohhhh how i LOVE making goals. okay, so let's start this whole goal making thing.
first goal: smile. SMILE, and the world smiles with you............................or shits on your cheerios. (a quote my boyfriend shared with me.) World, i don't care if you choose to shit on my cheerios, i'm going to keep on smiling and eventually i'll be laughing in your face. i dare you to challenge me, World, i double dog dare you.
second goal: blog. i love blogging, but i hardly ever do it! with blogging comes readers, with readers comes interest, with interest comes potential, and with potential... well, who knows. everything has potential, even a bum on the sofa.
thrid goal: finish novel. this is very important. in order to do this, i must write AT LEAST 1,000 words a day.. starting today. that will give me 24,000 more words and i will finish my novel by December 10th... which is the due date. 1,000 WORDS A DAY IS NOT HARD! i can do it i can do it i can do it. (self talk). i know that by finishing this novel, i will be starting a new chapter in my life. i will have written a novel! granted, it will be the worst novel i will ever write, i'm sure (i hope!), it will only prove to MYSELF that i can write a novel. and i can do it in a 4 month period. how fascinating. wouldn't you love to say you've written a novel? who cares if it gets published. just finishing the thing is an accomplishment in and of itself. when my novel is written, should i publish it on my blog? perhaps my wordpress blog?
fourth goal: do not watch TV unless it is a new episode of The Hills. no exceptions. NONE!
fifth goal: poetry. when i'm not working on my novel or other homework, i will write poetry. it is something that i've strayed away from, and i have no idea why. i am so much happier when i'm writing poetry. it is a release... a time when it's just me and the page, and i can be free and express whatever's boiling under the surface. plus, if i'm writing poetry, i'll have more to post on my blog.
sixth goal: love. because of the hopeless romantic that i am... i will have my sixth and final goal to be to love. i will love myself, i will love others, i will love (and hate) my novel, i will love the air, the earth, the trees, each step that i take when i'm walking down College or Elm. i will love God. i will love the world, even when it shits on my cheerios. i will not love my sofa.
okay, so now that i've reached the root of the problem, written my solution, i.e. GOALS, and shared it with the entire blogging community, i will attempt... no no no no no... i will EXECUTE my plan and succeed. when in doubt, make goals.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Fellow Writers...
I want you all to know that I've started a new blog at Wordpress. It's in the works, so be patient. It does have a lot of potential. missmorgen.wordpress.com. I'll keep you updated.
Something I want to share to all my fellow writers: You all know that you're supposed to know your characters inside and out. Down to every last detail... and I don't mean just what they look like, but bits and pieces of their personality that no one else would know about... not even the reader. I've always heard this, but it's only recently in writing my screenplay that I realized how important it actually is. Always include and know your characters' weakness(es). The famous and classic example is of Superman and his weakness of kryptonite. There should always be a way to defeat your character. Give them something they can overcome. A fear. What is your character afraid of? This should almost be the first question you ask yourself as a writer.
If you are just starting out on a story, but don't know where to begin... you can always ask yourself the classic question of "What makes this particular day different from all the rest?" Another question you might consider, if you decide to go in a different direction would be "What makes this day just like any other day?" and go from there.
None of this was exactly sticking with me until I watched a movie. Yes, a movie. The movie is called Fresh (1994) and was written and directed by Boaz Yakin. I definitely recommend this movie to everyone. One thing I really enjoyed about the movie was the central metaphor that played throughout the film between Michael's life and the game of Chess. It seemed brilliant. If you watch the movie, watch it again. If you have a chance, watch the director's cut as well and listen to what Yakin has to say.
Anyway, that's my rant for the day. Thanks for reading.
Something I want to share to all my fellow writers: You all know that you're supposed to know your characters inside and out. Down to every last detail... and I don't mean just what they look like, but bits and pieces of their personality that no one else would know about... not even the reader. I've always heard this, but it's only recently in writing my screenplay that I realized how important it actually is. Always include and know your characters' weakness(es). The famous and classic example is of Superman and his weakness of kryptonite. There should always be a way to defeat your character. Give them something they can overcome. A fear. What is your character afraid of? This should almost be the first question you ask yourself as a writer.
If you are just starting out on a story, but don't know where to begin... you can always ask yourself the classic question of "What makes this particular day different from all the rest?" Another question you might consider, if you decide to go in a different direction would be "What makes this day just like any other day?" and go from there.
None of this was exactly sticking with me until I watched a movie. Yes, a movie. The movie is called Fresh (1994) and was written and directed by Boaz Yakin. I definitely recommend this movie to everyone. One thing I really enjoyed about the movie was the central metaphor that played throughout the film between Michael's life and the game of Chess. It seemed brilliant. If you watch the movie, watch it again. If you have a chance, watch the director's cut as well and listen to what Yakin has to say.
Anyway, that's my rant for the day. Thanks for reading.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Not just "getting by" anymore.
So... I wish my blog was interesting...
(I wish my life was interesting.)
All along, I thought I had $130 dollars in my poor little checking account... when SUDDENLY I realized I made a subraction error in my register, and I really only have $30. Funny shit. Hilarious. Somehow that $30 has to last me until my next paycheck, which is October 15th... which is 5 days away... and I have NO GAS in my car at the moment. Literally none. How am I going to buy food? Perhaps I'll live off the soup I have sitting in my cabinet. YES! I L-O-V-E you, Life!
(Hence the quote: "We laugh because it is forbidden to cry.")
Even though I spend my days in doors, writing my novel, other homework, working, and getting no sleep at all... I really do enjoy the fact that I DO have a good life, especially compared to some. I've overcome a lot.
I think I have a problem though, at times, at always looking on the 'dark side' [rather than the 'bright side' that is] because I'm lonely. I feel lonely more often than not. In spite of my loneliness, I also feel content, because I've changed. It's nice to feel internally happy with yourself... it's nice to know that I'm not so dependent on others or alcohol or cigarettes anymore. It's a tough time, but at least I've got it together.
(I wish my life was interesting.)
All along, I thought I had $130 dollars in my poor little checking account... when SUDDENLY I realized I made a subraction error in my register, and I really only have $30. Funny shit. Hilarious. Somehow that $30 has to last me until my next paycheck, which is October 15th... which is 5 days away... and I have NO GAS in my car at the moment. Literally none. How am I going to buy food? Perhaps I'll live off the soup I have sitting in my cabinet. YES! I L-O-V-E you, Life!
(Hence the quote: "We laugh because it is forbidden to cry.")
Even though I spend my days in doors, writing my novel, other homework, working, and getting no sleep at all... I really do enjoy the fact that I DO have a good life, especially compared to some. I've overcome a lot.
I think I have a problem though, at times, at always looking on the 'dark side' [rather than the 'bright side' that is] because I'm lonely. I feel lonely more often than not. In spite of my loneliness, I also feel content, because I've changed. It's nice to feel internally happy with yourself... it's nice to know that I'm not so dependent on others or alcohol or cigarettes anymore. It's a tough time, but at least I've got it together.
Monday, September 29, 2008
messages jumbled in soap
In this particular moment of truth, I must admit -
I am not TRUE to myself.
Who is it that said, above all things - even love - give me truth....
roots.
Sweet songs of evil breath
whisper
consume me
What is My bird of passage?
Do I have one?
written words on water
that-make-me-flow
Master, sit above me
The smell of blood is
on
my
hands
self-serving
reaching
out of reach
Ink is smudged
Give me away.
give me to truth... give truth to me.
I am not TRUE to myself.
Who is it that said, above all things - even love - give me truth....
roots.
Sweet songs of evil breath
whisper
consume me
What is My bird of passage?
Do I have one?
written words on water
that-make-me-flow
Master, sit above me
The smell of blood is
on
my
hands
self-serving
reaching
out of reach
Ink is smudged
Give me away.
give me to truth... give truth to me.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Funny Thing...
I haven't quite decided what I'm going to blog about today, but I feel my page is lonely and needs company. A new blog. A new tone - it's somewhat sad at the moment.
So I'm here thinking... yes, "here", in my mind... down the rabbit hole, where cats eat bats and bats eat cats, and refreshing drops of orange marmalade are falling on my tongue... yes, well anyway, I'm
thinking
thinking
thinking
It's all moving right by me. Everything. I depend on writing just as much as writing depends on me. It's quite the relationship. There is always give and take. Even if I ignore it and hate it, when I come back to it, it's always there waiting for me. We're always here for each other.
There is a danger in this..
You see, if I begin to love some(one) else more than I love writing, all my writing tends to be about that 'someone'. He takes over EVERYTHING... he takes AWAY everything. My quiet moments - gone. My journal is sick of having to read and take down numerous entries about Him. I am tired of only offering and being infatuated with a love that doesn't fulfill and enlighten my soul to better things.
More sadness? No. I still have my writing. It's the one thing that keeps me feeling sane. It's the one place where I'm allowed to be insane. It's in my soul now, and there's no getting rid of it.
If you keep pushing someone away, eventually they'll leave.
I'm leaving. No, wait. I left. I'm already gone.
Drugs are almost always metaphors.
Like I said before.. funny thing with drugs...
In any case,
I still have morning. I still have my writing.
l
So I'm here thinking... yes, "here", in my mind... down the rabbit hole, where cats eat bats and bats eat cats, and refreshing drops of orange marmalade are falling on my tongue... yes, well anyway, I'm
thinking
thinking
thinking
It's all moving right by me. Everything. I depend on writing just as much as writing depends on me. It's quite the relationship. There is always give and take. Even if I ignore it and hate it, when I come back to it, it's always there waiting for me. We're always here for each other.
There is a danger in this..
You see, if I begin to love some(one) else more than I love writing, all my writing tends to be about that 'someone'. He takes over EVERYTHING... he takes AWAY everything. My quiet moments - gone. My journal is sick of having to read and take down numerous entries about Him. I am tired of only offering and being infatuated with a love that doesn't fulfill and enlighten my soul to better things.
More sadness? No. I still have my writing. It's the one thing that keeps me feeling sane. It's the one place where I'm allowed to be insane. It's in my soul now, and there's no getting rid of it.
If you keep pushing someone away, eventually they'll leave.
I'm leaving. No, wait. I left. I'm already gone.
Drugs are almost always metaphors.
Like I said before.. funny thing with drugs...
In any case,
I still have morning. I still have my writing.
l
Friday, August 8, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Novel???
Can't please everybody... but who cares about everyone else. I can't even please myself. I hate following the pattern. But seems I have no choice...
I have to write a novel next semester. That is to say... 50,000 words of a novel THIS FALL! That's roughly 8,000 words a week. I'm freaking out and I have no way to know how to tackle this project. Many other students that will be in the class have already been working on their novel. I'm only 20 years old and I'll be able to say I have a novel under my belt? That's insane. I just hope I don't get too overwhelmed and give up. I'm also taking an acting class, asian philosophy, and films and context. I will be working minimum 20 hours a week to try and pay my bills. How am I ever going to make the time to write a freaking novel?
My mom has decided to write a novel too... but she's doing 50,000 words in a month! She bought this book that tells her how to do it. I think I would commit suicide.
I know I tend to look at the big picture instead of taking it one step at a time, and I do have many different ideas for a novel, but I can't decide which one to choose. I know my writing teacher will be able to help and mentor me, but Mel Odom writes novels in 3-4 month periods all the time. I just don't know...
Friday, July 25, 2008
Perhaps...
Shattered wind begins to gather across the green mountains. The sun hides behind a cloud, spilling its orange rays. There is thunder in the distance. I'm all alone. I'm scared.Where am I going?
I mostly write to sort out my own thoughts. Why am I not writing poetry anymore? Why do I insist on ignoring the journal that sits on my night stand? It shouldn't be a love/hate relationship. I need to be inspired. I heard once I should always make myself happy --- If someone's not happy, they need to change their situation. I intend to do that one day, but for now, I'm stuck.
These are the thoughts that surpass my somewhat intellectual mind. I love to feel the rain on my face. When will someone look into my soul? I wish there was someone who could. I wish there was someone who could see deep down into my throat and see more than the universe. More than the beginning. I wish I knew who I was in a previous life so maybe I could know what I'm capable of.
I'm less fortunate because I've seen the bad in people. Or perhaps that makes me more fortunate. I've seen hell. I've seen the devil before... and I know the devil has seen me. Sometimes we look at one another in the mirror. Yes... I think I'm less fortunate. Funny thing with drugs...
I Am... free.
But, I want to feel free.
That sun finally came out. As for me, I'm still rolling in the undertones of darkness. I'm fooling around with misery and depression. I'm getting by, still breathing, but a corpse more or less. Perhaps I need glasses to see better what's in store for me on this earth. Perhaps...
I mostly write to sort out my own thoughts. Why am I not writing poetry anymore? Why do I insist on ignoring the journal that sits on my night stand? It shouldn't be a love/hate relationship. I need to be inspired. I heard once I should always make myself happy --- If someone's not happy, they need to change their situation. I intend to do that one day, but for now, I'm stuck.
These are the thoughts that surpass my somewhat intellectual mind. I love to feel the rain on my face. When will someone look into my soul? I wish there was someone who could. I wish there was someone who could see deep down into my throat and see more than the universe. More than the beginning. I wish I knew who I was in a previous life so maybe I could know what I'm capable of.
I'm less fortunate because I've seen the bad in people. Or perhaps that makes me more fortunate. I've seen hell. I've seen the devil before... and I know the devil has seen me. Sometimes we look at one another in the mirror. Yes... I think I'm less fortunate. Funny thing with drugs...
I Am... free.
But, I want to feel free.
That sun finally came out. As for me, I'm still rolling in the undertones of darkness. I'm fooling around with misery and depression. I'm getting by, still breathing, but a corpse more or less. Perhaps I need glasses to see better what's in store for me on this earth. Perhaps...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
