new chapter

Well.... this semester has it in for me.

on top of writing a screenplay, revising my novel, writing lovely poetry, and turning in 100 pages of writing for my capstone class, i have been offered to write fiction for MONEY. yes, that's right. i'm actually going to get paid to write stories for a local magazine. i'm really excited about it, and i hope it's not too good to be true. i'll keep the blogging world updated.



in other news, my boyfriend, josh, is joining the marines corps. he leaves for boot camp on february 17th (4 days before my 21st birthday) and i won't see him for 3 1/2 months. he will do combat traning for 5 weeks and then job training for 10 weeks after that, and i'll get to see him on the weekends. but til august, it's going to be really rough.


it was all very last minute... and he's joining the reserves, so he'll be able to finish school in the fall. i have no idea what we're going to do after that... this will definitely be a trying time and probably make or break our relationship.....which has already been easily broken before. i'm hoping for the best and trying to believe that this will only bring positive fortune. as for this semester - we will write letters and my writing will keep me distracted. i will miss him though.

God.

He works in mysterious ways.
He has a plan.

I believe.

inspired.

i'm so excited because i have an idea for my screenplay. it came to me yesterday as i was visiting with one of my friends over dinner. i just love when ideas come to me instead of the whole brainstorming technique. it makes me feel like i'm meant to be here... i'm meant to write... and i can't wait to start getting it down on paper. i can't say the idea because i don't want anyone to steal it!!

i realize my blog is very depressing at times, but i've stopped journaling, so it all comes out in my blog. my mood today is pretty much the same as it has been every day. i don't feel down in the dumps, but rather... expectant. i'm not sure what's around the corner, but whatever it is, i'm anticipating it too much. see, so many times, people wait for something great to happen to them instead of moving forward and making it happen themselves. "be the change you want to see in the world" to quote ghandi... but it is so true. so that's my plan of action. instead of anticipating and expecting what's next, i'm just going to change. i have thought long and hard (as you see in previous posts) about what it is i need to do to change/be happ(ier) and it's time i just do the damn shit instead of standing outside the flames. if you want a fire, you have to build one.

i guess what i'm saying is that now i've watched the 4th season of grey's anatomy on dvd in 2 days, it's time to turn off the tv and read, craft, finish things that i started, and get to gettin'.

i don't think i'm going to write much for the next two weeks since it will become my life again, soon enough. i'll blog and jot down ideas, but intense writing will have to take a backseat for awhile so i can sort through my emotions and get over my internal baggage i've been carrying around since november. i'm not saying i'll completely get over it - that won't happen for a long time, but i will definitely guide the focus back to myself for a change.

i've decided to take 3 writing classes next semester. i'll definitely be busy with my writing again, plus working. 17 hours of school, 17 hours of work each week.

i'll be taking:
film script writing
tutorial in writing (where i'll meet with mel and discuss various writing projects every week)
adv. poetry writing
theories in professional writing
and........GEOLOGY! dun dun dun.

anyway,
i don't really like that it gets dark at 5:30 during winter because then i feel like i've lost time of day or something. i will try to disregard this feeling....annnnd. that's my post for today. love!

ahhhhhh

sometimes, i feel so worthless at work. i'm the only employee, but i feel like i don't have enough things to do. it makes me feel bad. i don't know if my boss (aka my mom - which makes this all the more complicated) trusts that i can handle more tasks? i know she doesn't want to do it all by herself. ugh.

in other news: i haven't changed my oil in an entire year. maybe that's a new record. i really need to get that done. i find that i become more and more lazy as the ruthless conundrum(s) of life pass me by.

i'm trying to save up $750 for a trip to australia in june. my parents have agreed to lend me the rest.

i feel stuck.
don't know how many saturdays i spend in bed, only to get a shower at 7 pm and go out at night to drink my sorrows away. how cliche. i'm a walking cliche. all the time.

i feel barely alive.
it might be the break up. i don't know. i watch movies like The Women to acquire inspiration so that i can do something with my life instead of just going ahead and doing it. blah.

i feel unmotivated.
mediocrity is bliss. so many things i want to do.... play basketball again, cook dinner, sew my own clothes, modpodge everything. but......................................................i don't. why? b/c i'm in a blithering state of skidish, untouched, tainted and torn misery with only the faintest ideas and dreams to awaken me. i wear a mask, but keep myself drowned with anguish and self loathing so i can be content with wallowing.

i feel like a failure.
i hate the novel i wrote. to be honest... hate isn't a strong enough word. why are so many people asking to read it? i just want to delete the whole thing and never look at it again. now that... that would take courage. i don't see how i'm going to write my screenplay next semester with such a shitty novel under my detached belt buckle. oh yes oh yes, i need to revise... but who wants to revise a piece of crap? maybe this is why i won't make it as an editor. OH, the negativity!! it's so lovely.

i feel like a mystery to myself.
god doesn't even know who i am. so many different directions are being thrown at my face on a day to day basis. morgen, do this, morgen, do that... when all i feel like doing is just simply being. the idea of a "self" is forever altered after taking my asian philosophy class... so therefore, i have no idea who "i" am, who i want to be, or who i will become. la la la. tra da da.

scurry along little thoughts of negativity and mediocrity.
please leave now.

ok, but seriously.
leave.

ugh.