Life really isn't getting any better or more interesting. I'm not writing anymore. I need to/want to. I want to finish my screenplay, but it's beginning to look hopeless. I don't understand why I'm so lazy! Writers should WANT to write.......right? Here I am, blogging........writing rather...... about not writing. Life is insane. I want to do things. I want to be happy. I guess depression has taken hold and it's going to take a lot to bring me out of it. My pottery class is over. Sad face. I made a total of 8 pots, most of which suck. I can't afford anything. I'm more than bummed because I was planning a trip to Colorado this Saturday to Red Rocks, but now I can't go because a.)no one will go with me and b.) I am broke as hell.
Josh is still in training... when I'm with him I'm happy. I miss him soooo much. I have a slight feeling he will be proposing soon, but I know he won't until he thinks I'm ready... yeah...
I'm going to write more tomorrow.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
A Choice
It seems that life has decided to throw me a challenge that has no possible route of happiness. I am ambivalent. Let me explain.
I have a boyfriend. We have been dating for 2 years and 3 months. Of course we've had our ups and downs, major falls and minor lifts, but we are in love. Love has allowed us to endure every setback and situation that could have torn us apart. Romantic? Not really. Just love. I put up with a lot for the first year and a half of our relationship. I would love to go into detail, but it would take forever. He has never been unfaithful, so please don't think it has anything to do with that, he just needed to grow up and be the smart man I knew he could. The only way he saw out of the massive hole he dug for himself was to join the Marine Corps. That decision changed both of our lives. I always felt like he needed to do it for himself, although I also know that we probably wouldn't have stayed together had he not joined - we were headed for disaster and the Marines was our last hope. I have always supported Josh and been there for him, so I knew this is what he needed to do, and.... he left me. We were not able to talk on the phone or see each other for 3 and a half months. We could write letters, which kept me sane, but after 2 months of lonliness, something happened to me. I snapped. I know I've always blamed him for our relationship's turmoil, and probably rightly so, but I just couldn't handle this life that I felt like was chosen for me. He is dedicated to the Marines for 6 years. I have seen my boyfriend a total of 13 days since February 17th. But let me back up... after those 2 months, I sent him a letter to explain that I was breaking up with him. I just felt like he had never really offered me what I needed in order to stay with him, although I was/am in love with him, I chose to forget about him. He was devastated. Instead of living my own life and being a better person, I chose the dark side. I sank. I got involved in a life I had never experienced, but deep down had always wanted to. I partied, started dating a new guy, hung out with my friends 24/7 and blocked Josh from every good memory I had of us. I had no idea what would happen on his boot leave, when he would return home for 10 days. I decided to see him, though.
From the moment I saw him standing there, a rush of emotion came over me that was entirely unexpected, and I melted. I hugged him and my heartbeat raced while chills blanketed my body. He let go of me, and there I was, all to blame for hurting him the way I did... leaving him.
Long story short, he gave me a second chance. I didn't have to tell him how I had changed, he already knew. I also knew that he had changed for the better and he had finally become all that I had ever wanted him to be, only now it was as if our roles were reversed. I was him and he was me 5 months ago. Karma? I hope not.
Josh is still away right now at Ft. Sill for Artillary training. He will be home August 18th, and we are allowed to talk during a 3 hour period once a day, and on weekends, I am allowed visitation to the base, and base only. Obviously I can't go every weekend, but it's working out. My ambivalence comes from wanting to keep Josh and make our love work - through at least 1 deployment, maybe more, where he will be gone for 10 months, maybe more, and having to deal with the military lifestyle for 6 years.... OR choosing freedom. I still have the urge to be who I was when he was gone. I wasn't happy though. But I'm not happy now when I'm with him. It's just so hard to decide because I feel like my chance is over to experience/experiment life beyond the universe, go to festivals, be my hippie self that he doesn't approve of anymore. I have to give it all up for him, but I can't help but feel he had the chance to be young and stupid while I was busy being the adult and trying to help him.... and now it's just the opposite, although he won't stay with me like I stayed with him. I hope I'm making sense. It's hard to explain without disclosing certain private details, but I'm doing my best.
I avoid the future, he thrives on it.
I avoid society, he flourishes in it.
I like complicated, he likes simple.
I'm free-spirited, he's over it.
I am broke, he makes money.
I could go on... but I won't. I'm sure everyone who has ever been in love has felt a pressure of this sort at some point in their lives... mostly before marraige I'm assuming. But sometimes, the sacrifices we make for another person... for Love... can cause pain. Or maybe it's just a haunting dream of what could have been. Either way, my life has come to a crossroads and I have to choose/decide what is more important to me. I will never be young again, but Josh might not stick around and I might never have true love again.
I have a boyfriend. We have been dating for 2 years and 3 months. Of course we've had our ups and downs, major falls and minor lifts, but we are in love. Love has allowed us to endure every setback and situation that could have torn us apart. Romantic? Not really. Just love. I put up with a lot for the first year and a half of our relationship. I would love to go into detail, but it would take forever. He has never been unfaithful, so please don't think it has anything to do with that, he just needed to grow up and be the smart man I knew he could. The only way he saw out of the massive hole he dug for himself was to join the Marine Corps. That decision changed both of our lives. I always felt like he needed to do it for himself, although I also know that we probably wouldn't have stayed together had he not joined - we were headed for disaster and the Marines was our last hope. I have always supported Josh and been there for him, so I knew this is what he needed to do, and.... he left me. We were not able to talk on the phone or see each other for 3 and a half months. We could write letters, which kept me sane, but after 2 months of lonliness, something happened to me. I snapped. I know I've always blamed him for our relationship's turmoil, and probably rightly so, but I just couldn't handle this life that I felt like was chosen for me. He is dedicated to the Marines for 6 years. I have seen my boyfriend a total of 13 days since February 17th. But let me back up... after those 2 months, I sent him a letter to explain that I was breaking up with him. I just felt like he had never really offered me what I needed in order to stay with him, although I was/am in love with him, I chose to forget about him. He was devastated. Instead of living my own life and being a better person, I chose the dark side. I sank. I got involved in a life I had never experienced, but deep down had always wanted to. I partied, started dating a new guy, hung out with my friends 24/7 and blocked Josh from every good memory I had of us. I had no idea what would happen on his boot leave, when he would return home for 10 days. I decided to see him, though.
From the moment I saw him standing there, a rush of emotion came over me that was entirely unexpected, and I melted. I hugged him and my heartbeat raced while chills blanketed my body. He let go of me, and there I was, all to blame for hurting him the way I did... leaving him.
Long story short, he gave me a second chance. I didn't have to tell him how I had changed, he already knew. I also knew that he had changed for the better and he had finally become all that I had ever wanted him to be, only now it was as if our roles were reversed. I was him and he was me 5 months ago. Karma? I hope not.
Josh is still away right now at Ft. Sill for Artillary training. He will be home August 18th, and we are allowed to talk during a 3 hour period once a day, and on weekends, I am allowed visitation to the base, and base only. Obviously I can't go every weekend, but it's working out. My ambivalence comes from wanting to keep Josh and make our love work - through at least 1 deployment, maybe more, where he will be gone for 10 months, maybe more, and having to deal with the military lifestyle for 6 years.... OR choosing freedom. I still have the urge to be who I was when he was gone. I wasn't happy though. But I'm not happy now when I'm with him. It's just so hard to decide because I feel like my chance is over to experience/experiment life beyond the universe, go to festivals, be my hippie self that he doesn't approve of anymore. I have to give it all up for him, but I can't help but feel he had the chance to be young and stupid while I was busy being the adult and trying to help him.... and now it's just the opposite, although he won't stay with me like I stayed with him. I hope I'm making sense. It's hard to explain without disclosing certain private details, but I'm doing my best.
I avoid the future, he thrives on it.
I avoid society, he flourishes in it.
I like complicated, he likes simple.
I'm free-spirited, he's over it.
I am broke, he makes money.
I could go on... but I won't. I'm sure everyone who has ever been in love has felt a pressure of this sort at some point in their lives... mostly before marraige I'm assuming. But sometimes, the sacrifices we make for another person... for Love... can cause pain. Or maybe it's just a haunting dream of what could have been. Either way, my life has come to a crossroads and I have to choose/decide what is more important to me. I will never be young again, but Josh might not stick around and I might never have true love again.
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